31/03/2017
I know April 1st, a dangerous day to do a serious post. So if you’ve come here expecting some elaborate gag, forget about it. This is serious.
Last week we told you about our new building. Now we can reveal that Blackwater Distillery is diversifying. We are going to expand horizontally, and position ourselves as a one stop Irish drinks shop.
Beer:
Yes we are going into the beer business. But we’re not going to go out and buy a brewery, don’t be silly we’re only in this for the money. So this is the plan. We’ve been to the library and found this Kilkenny brewery that everyone has forgotten about. Started around 1702, been closed for bloody ages, so we’re going to steal their name and heritage and get everything brewed and bottled for us somewhere in County Louth… hang on. Better idea. We still have it brewed off site, but we also buy a small Speidel Brewmeister, you can get one here without even getting off the toilet, and we’ll stick it in Kilkenny – Brilliant! That way we can say we ‘brewed in Kilkenny’ and shoot videos there in extreme close up and that way we can put some vague shit like ‘Kilkenny’s Brewery’ on our web site and say we use Kilkenny water and it’s all true, except it’s not and …
Hang on. What? It’s been done?
Bollocks. Never mind. There are still other categories we can expand into, like wine.
Now this is truly brilliant. Irish wine! Like it? It’s like ‘Irish Smoked Salmon’ Vs ‘Smoked Irish Salmon’ except as we’ve seen in the drinks business no one gives a shit, so you can get away with loads of stuff. So it’s not really Irish wine, it’s German. But this is the clever bit. We shove a sod of turf into the wine, jig it about and Bob’s your auntie – Irish Peat Wine… Sorry… What? Been done?
Ok, I give up. This is the new plan. At the moment we’re the only distillery in Waterford making gin – so how’s about this for genius. We sell everything. Every stainless steel tank, every hydrometer, every clipboard, juniper berry and toilet roll. Stick them all up on ebay and liquify our assets. Then (and this is the genius bit) we get on the phone, buy a load of ethanol and have it sent to Clonmel in County Tipperary. There they flavour the ethanol with some liquid omnishambles. It’s bottled and this is where I take a little bow, even though we now have produced a cheap compounded gin (like Cork Dry Gin, which is made in Dublin by the way) we put ‘distilled’ on the bottle and pretend the gin is made in Waterford! You know ‘A Waterford Gin’ or something on… what… ah for fuck’s sake you’re not serious?
You are serious!
I give up. In Ireland every day is April Fools Day.
